I am not a big scary movie fan, beings that I am a huge pussy. My mom once bought me a cassette tape of lullabies with my name in the lyrics, and I FREAKED OUT when she played it for me. Just the theme song of Unsolved Mysteries sends me into an absolute panic. I, apparently, have a weak constitution. So of course, with my history of reacting poorly to scary things, I saw the Evil Dead remake this weekend.
Mind you, the internet has desensitized me a bit over the years. I’m kind of sick and twisted anymore. So I kind of took it as a personal challenge to get through this film. I grabbed one of my besties (a sick and twisted gal in her own right) and hit the 9:30 show.
Evil Dead is the tale of a group of friends who head up to the isolated woods of Michigan to help their heroin addicted pal, Mia, go through withdrawal and finally kick the habit. The family cabin, where they set up camp, has apparently been ransacked by some devil-worshipers and completely trashed. Ah, we have our creepy atmosphere. An isolated creepy-ass cabin in the creepy-ass woods. Awesome. Well, one of the dudes, dear Eric, finds a book covered with a trash bag and wrapped in barb wire. You know what I would do if I found a book like that? I’d leave it the fuck alone. But, there wouldn’t be much of a plot. “Hey guys! I found this mysterious book in the cabin that has been ransacked by devil-worshipers. I’m just going to put it back where I found it and go make some hot dogs.”
But no, Eric reads from the book, and to make a long story short, summons a flesh possessing demon that feasts on humans like I feast on guacamole at the local cantina. Relentless and messy.
I won’t give anything away, but, OH FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD. Let’s just make up for shitty screenwriting and major plot holes by just cutting off more limbs of the main characters! What’s with the dead cats in the basement? What about David and Mia’s mother’s mental illness? Why does your family cabin look like it was abandoned in 1973, but has very updated digital photographs on the walls?! And who brings an electric knife to the middle of the god-damn woods?! There are MANY questions to be answered.
I was expecting to be horrified to the point that I would have to literally Velcro myself to my husband’s back in order to sleep. This did not happen. In fact, I’m really ok. I mean, the next time I pick up a box cutter, I’m going to have to remind myself not to lick it. But other than that, it was just gross. The whole thing was gross.
This brings up another point. When did true horror become replaced by gore? When did the days of Psycho, the Exorcist, Rosemary’s Baby, and the Omen become not enough? Were they not terrifying? I’m so sick of modern horror. Just because you gross out your audience does not mean you terrified them. I love a horror movie that doesn’t have one drop of blood, nary one missing limb. I love a horror movie that psychological fucks with you from beginning to end. In my opinion, they are a rarity. If you are going to remake a classic, go for it. Don’t cover it up in blood and guts.
And for god’s sake, someone take away the box cutter away from the possessed drug addict.